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The Flying Dutchman
March 16, 2010 | By Rich
Mark Heese, our Canadian Beach Volleyball Olympic Bronze Medalist, has been kind enough to contribute the following post. Enjoy…
THE FLYING DUTCHMAN
Do you remember when thick-fingered O.J. Simpson was trying on the glove during his murder trial? Facing a long prison term, the “glove doesn’t fit” routine is famous for being a key component of his defense strategy.
Now picture Dutch-Canadian Rich Van Huizen, entering an aircraft, facing a long “prison” term in economy class, where the seats are not designed for 6’ ft. 9” beach volleyball players. Over the years, he has perfected the “I don’t fit in this seat” routine, resulting in either an upgrade to business class or at least a new seat in the emergency row where there are a few extra inches of leg room.
His routine consists of the following:
1) Upon entering the aircraft he stops just outside the door, standing as tall as he can, and pauses just long enough to make sure that the flight attendants notice that the top of the door gets cut off at his Adam’s apple. (see photo)
2) Next, he ducks down, and with a well-timed sigh, accompanied with a neck-wrenching grimace, he proceeds to enter the plane pretending not to see the flight attendants watching his every move.
3) He then “accidentally” raps his noggin against every single item that may be sticking down from the aircraft ceiling, i.e. exit signs, television monitors.
4) Of course, by this time he has made quite a commotion and pretty well everybody around him is staring, not to mention thoroughly entertained.
5) When he finally arrives at his assigned seat, his look of perplexity is priceless, as he tries to process just how in God’s name he is going to squeeze his large frame into the tiny seat that he faces.
6) Then it begins - the routine that the rest of us players would pay to watch each and every time. A routine that he must practice every day because it is so polished and methodical and seemingly well-thought out….... his famous “I don’t fit in this seat” schtick: First, he attempts to slide in sideways like everyone else, whacking his knee against the seat in front of him. He then backs up and conjures up another entry idea, and tries again, this time getting his size 17 foot caught under the footrest. A third attempt has him grabbing a hold of both his seat and the seat in front of him and trying, to no avail, to somehow squeeze himself through the passageway. His fourth and final try is the kicker… he somehow manages to get himself into a position where he is about to lower his body into his seat, but on his way down he “gets stuck” with about 15 inches of vertical real estate between his hiney and the seat cushion, his butt propped up against the back rest, and his knees jammed up so hard into the seat in front of him, that it disturbs the person in front of him. At this point he “needs” assistance to get unstuck. It is downright the funniest thing you could ever witness. And all the while he is as straight-faced and serious as you could imagine, while the rest of us are doing our best to hold in bursts of laughter.
If that isn’t enough to get the flight attendant to find an upgrade or “E-row” seat for him, he has a line-up of several more entry routines, all ending up with him backing away with the same confused and frustrated look on his face. He will delay the flight if he has to, and raise such a fuss, that eventually the airline workers buckle and help him get a better seat.
It is the best part of our boring travel day as we go from one tourney site to another. Thanks for the entertainment Rich! Now you just have to work on your “I didn’t touch the net” routine!
Ilse:
Posted: 03.16.2010
Brilliant!